I drank to drown my sorrows but the damned things learned to swim

I've loved you from the first moment I saw you, even before. Just walking into the room and sensing your presence. I can remember it so clear, and with no one else, I remember the expression of your face and the curve of your lips, what you were wearing and what I thought. I wasn't even that close and I only glanced because what I felt I was fearful of. And now, more than ever. More than ever a great fear. It's as if you are dead. It's as if I am dead. If I am clung to you and you are not at all clung to me, there must be something within me that isn't working because for you, for me. We are meant to be, together at all times, then apart but still knowing. I've never felt that with someone. And I tried to skip over the pain, the exquisite pain because as it was happening it would have killed me. I had to literally peel myself off the bed, stop myself from cutting out my outline in the mattress and sinking deep within the springs, feathers and fluff. Happier alone in the dusty dark claustrophobic space. Happy to be sad, always thinking of you. Never letting you leave my mind,. Happy to just live in those memories. Desperate for them. Trying to remember smells and touching myself, my skin. Shutting my eyes thinking of you. Shutting them tighter tighter trying to feel. When I hear of your name I choke and my heart thunders. I live for you. I do everything with the hope that you will know and love me for it. I breathe for you, I get out of bed for you, I cry for you, I don't eat for you so that when you come back you will see me and worry about me and mind me. I will mind you always. You could shit in my mouth and I'd still be able to say I love you. Shit spurting everywhere. In my eye, you came on my face and I smiled. You took a photo of me, cum dripping down my eye like a fat tear. I wanted you to show it to everyone. With you every conversation I could barely breathe I was so in awe of how you worked, I still am. Configuring, figuring just not quite. Loving you absolutely, for what you are and not for what you are not. You are not here but I live in hope that one day you will and that I will be in that place again and I will forgive. I already have. As I have no choice as I only want you happy and just dream that that happiness can be found with me. Living off what people said, living off you. I lived through you, only for a few moments but lived. And am scared that you are made of so much wonderful that you can live with anyone and feel what I did with you. Do you always feel that? Will you please come back?


  1. Wow, the text is beautiful. Have you written about you? Sure.
    And surely you speak of someone close. I hope to return soon and that everything felt, you feel it again, but much better.


  2. I can't get these thoughts out of my mind some nights. That's why I surf blogs in the wee hours, I think. Until sleep takes me, I need something to stop me from cutting that same body-shaped hole in my mattress too..

  3. i love u alwazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz xxxxxxxxxxx he luvzzzzzzzzzzz u alwazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz <3

  4. This resonated with me more than I care to think about. I spent my time drowning in thoughts of that person, my reason to live and now that he's gone I just try to block it all out and bottle it so that I don't have to think about it and so that I don't swallow a bottle of pills and sleep forever.